Soap is not a condiment
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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