So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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