Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
