i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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