I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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