today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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