I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
