The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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