I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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