you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
