Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize