I accidentally burped into my bong.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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