Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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