genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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