remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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