I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm passing your future prison.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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