omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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