yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
