He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
