She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
