they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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