I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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