so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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