i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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