I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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