she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
