got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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