I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
