i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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