I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
