did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
