it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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