Your tits are I can't wait for
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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