dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
