I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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