Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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