i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
