thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
