his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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