I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
