Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
