you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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