Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
