Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You may now shotgun with the bride
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
