soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
