You're a womanizer and a bitch.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I'm eating all of the evidence.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
