the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
