FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
