i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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