Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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