they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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