I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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