Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
