my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
