also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
