Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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