Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
