He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
