i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
