This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
