We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
