Screwed.edu
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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