Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Two words: blizzard sex
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
