Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
