Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize