eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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